😤 Tantrums & Big Feelings! 😤

When emotions are TOO big for little bodies!

🌋 What is a Tantrum?

A tantrum is when a child's emotions get SO big their body can't handle it. They might scream, cry, kick, or go limp.

It looks like bad behavior. But here's the truth: It's not manipulation. It's overwhelm.

🧠 A child in full tantrum mode has their "thinking brain" OFFLINE. They literally CANNOT process logic or language in that moment!

🧠 The Brain During a Tantrum

🦎

"Downstairs Brain"

Survival mode
Fight/Flight/Freeze

⚡

🧠

"Upstairs Brain"

Logic, language
Problem-solving

🤔 Why Tantrums Happen

Tantrums often happen when:

🍌 Basic needs unmet: Hungry, tired, overstimulated
🙅 Frustrated: Can't do something they want to do
🔀 Transitions: Stopping something fun, going somewhere new
🗣️ Can't communicate: Know what they want but can't say it
😔 Big feelings: Disappointment, fear, sadness

Sometimes there's no obvious reason - and that's okay too!

🛠️ What To Do During a Tantrum

1️⃣ Stay Calm

Your nervous system regulates theirs. Take deep breaths.

2️⃣ Ensure Safety

Move dangerous objects. Keep them safe without restraining.

3️⃣ Stay Close

Be nearby. Some kids want hugs, some need space. Follow their lead.

4️⃣ Wait It Out

Don't try to teach, reason, or fix. Just let the storm pass.

⏱️ Tantrums usually peak around 3-5 minutes but can feel like forever. Stay calm. It WILL end!

✅ Do's and ❌ Don'ts

✅ DO

Stay present and calm
Name the feeling: "You're so mad!"
Validate: "It's hard when we can't have the toy"
Wait until calm to problem-solve
Reconnect after: hugs, check-in

❌ DON'T

Try to reason or lecture
Say "calm down" (it doesn't work!)
Punish or shame
Give in just to stop it (sometimes!)
Take it personally

🔄 Prevention (When Possible)

You can't prevent all tantrums, but you can reduce them:

⏰ Routines: Predictable schedules help kids feel safe
📢 Warnings: "In 5 minutes we're leaving the park"
🍽️ Basic needs: Fed, rested, not overstimulated
🤲 Choices: "Red cup or blue cup?" gives control
💬 Connect before correct: Fill their "attention cup" proactively

💬 What to Say (Scripts!)

"You're having such big feelings right now. I'm here."
"You really wanted that cookie. It's so hard to wait."
"I won't let you hit me. I'm going to move away to keep us both safe."
"You're safe. I'm here. Let it out."

After the tantrum:

"That was a really big feeling. Are you feeling better now?"
"I love you even when you have big feelings."

🧸 ELI5 Disclaimer: Tantrums are normal! But if tantrums are extremely frequent, very long, or involve self-harm, talk to your pediatrician. Sometimes there are underlying needs.

📚 Learn more from: Janet Lansbury (RIE approach), Dr. Becky Kennedy, Dr. Dan Siegel ("The Whole-Brain Child"), and Dr. Aliza Pressman.

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